Imagine growing up believing something was fundamentally wrong with you.
Not because you came to that conclusion yourself.
But because someone you trusted told you so.
During a recent group discussion, I spoke with a 28-year-old mother who was struggling with substance abuse and described a difficult relationship with her father.
She explained that when she was younger, her father told her she was bipolar.
According to her, he also told her she didn't need to seek outside help because he was a professional therapist and that she wouldn't get better unless she followed his guidance.
So she believed him.
After all...
This was her father.
When Someone You Trust Writes the Program
Years passed before she began questioning what she'd been told.
Eventually, she asked her father for evidence that he was actually a licensed therapist.
He couldn't provide any.
When I asked what he did professionally, she described an occupation completely unrelated to mental health or healthcare.
Eventually, she began seeking professional help for herself.
But think about what she had carried with her all those years.
Someone she should have been able to trust had given her a powerful message about who she was, what was supposedly wrong with her, and who she needed to depend on to get better.
A friend once described beliefs like these to me as:
"Bad programming."
And I think that's a powerful way to look at it.
What Were You Programmed to Believe?
"You're not good enough."
"You'll never make it."
"You can't do anything without me."
"You're too sensitive."
"Nobody else is going to put up with you."
"You should be further along by now."
"You'll never be successful."
Hear something often enough—especially from someone you love and trust—and eventually you may stop questioning it.
It simply becomes part of the way you see yourself.
That's the danger of bad programming.
This young woman also described growing up with expectations from her father that left her feeling inadequate when she didn't become who he expected her to be.
She described substance use as one of the ways she had coped with those difficult feelings.
But now, as an adult, she has something she didn't have as a child:
Choices.
You Can Rewrite the Program
We talked about an important question:
If her father says something triggering in the future...
What can she do differently?
There isn't only one answer.
She could decide not to visit when she knows the environment isn't healthy for her.
She could change the subject.
She could walk away from the conversation.
She could establish boundaries beforehand about subjects she isn't willing to discuss.
Or she could reach a point where she hears his opinion without allowing it to determine what she believes about herself or what she does with her life.
That's the difference between being controlled by an old message and recognizing:
"That's what YOU believe about me. It doesn't have to become what I believe about myself."
And when it comes to questions about mental health diagnoses, there's another important lesson:
Seek appropriately qualified professional help.
Someone loving you, raising you, or speaking confidently doesn't automatically make their opinion a diagnosis.
Who Helped Program You?
This story isn't only about one father and daughter.
It's an opportunity for all of us to ask:
Who taught me what I'm supposed to believe about myself?
Was it a parent?
A romantic partner?
A teacher?
A coach?
A friend?
Someone you trusted?
And here's the harder question:
Are you still living according to something they told you years ago—even though it continues to make you miserable today?
Maybe it's time to examine the program.
Keep what helps you.
Challenge what doesn't.
And start replacing beliefs that were handed to you with beliefs supported by your experiences, values, goals, and reality.
Help Another Mom Rewrite Hers
Hottest Moms, have you ever discovered that something you believed about yourself came from someone else's "bad programming"?
What was it—and how did you begin changing it?
If you're comfortable, tell us your story.
Another mom may be reading it today while still believing the things someone programmed into her years ago.
Your willingness to talk about what you've experienced can help her realize:
Maybe I don't have to believe this anymore.
Having the courage to question those old messages and talk about them builds Confidence.
Making changes that protect your well-being and help you move forward builds Resilience.
And no matter what anyone programmed you to believe about yourself...
You've always been Beautiful.
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