Recently, I had a conversation with an amazing coworker. For privacy, let's call her Kate.
Kate is intelligent, funny, hardworking, and the type of person who tries to help others whenever she can.
But lately, work hasn't felt so great.
Kate told me she had been having problems with some coworkers. In one situation, she tried to help someone and was basically told:
Your help isn't needed.
Then she started noticing something else.
A few coworkers weren't talking to her as much. They weren't being as friendly. Some seemed to be distancing themselves from her.
And Kate started feeling sad and anxious.
"Am I doing something wrong?"
That's when our conversation became about much more than work.
What Are You Expecting From Your Job?
I reminded Kate of something I think we sometimes forget:
The primary purpose of our job is to make a living and pay our bills.
Can we make friends at work?
Absolutely.
Can we have amazing coworkers?
Of course.
Can work become a place where we laugh, build relationships, support one another, and genuinely enjoy being together?
Hopefully!
But the moment we decide that everyone at work has to like us, has to appreciate us, or has to treat us like a friend, we've created expectations our workplace may never be able to fulfill.
And now our happiness depends on other people behaving the way we want them to behave.
That's a dangerous amount of control to give someone else.
During our conversation, Kate said something important:
"I'm a people pleaser."
There it was.
So I asked her a different question.
What is it inside of you that makes you feel like you need other people to like you so much?
Because maybe the real problem isn't that a coworker stopped talking to you.
Maybe the more important question is:
Why does someone not liking you have so much power over how you feel about yourself?
That isn't an insult.
It's an invitation to look inward.
Because once you become genuinely comfortable with who you are, worrying about what everyone else thinks of you can slowly begin melting away into a peaceful abyss.
You don't become rude.
You don't stop caring about people.
You don't stop being helpful.
You simply stop needing everyone's approval to feel okay about yourself.
Kate looked at me and asked the obvious question:
"How do I do that?"
That's the million-dollar question!
Start With a Moral Inventory
I suggested she try what is sometimes called a moral inventory.
Forget the name for a moment. The concept is pretty simple.
Take an honest look at your life—past and present—and examine the attitudes, actions, beliefs, and patterns that may have contributed to some of your problems.
The purpose isn't to blame yourself.
It's to understand yourself.
Why do I react this way?
Why does rejection bother me so much?
Why do I need everyone to like me?
Why am I afraid of disappointing people?
Why do I have trouble saying no?
Why do I feel responsible for everyone else's happiness?
Where did I learn these things?
And most importantly:
Are these beliefs still helping me today?
You may discover that something happening at 25, 35, 45, or even 55 is connected to something you learned about yourself when you were 10.
You can't change what happened back then.
But you can decide whether you're going to continue carrying it.
Then Give Yourself Somewhere to Go
The second thing I suggested was something Kate was already doing:
Have a goal.
Kate is pursuing higher education and is getting close to finishing.
That's huge.
Because when you have something meaningful you're working toward, your attention begins shifting.
Instead of:
"Why didn't she talk to me today?"
"Why don't they invite me anymore?"
"Does that person like me?"
Your mind has somewhere more productive to go:
What do I need to accomplish today to get closer to the life I'm trying to build?
Your goals won't magically eliminate insecurity.
But purpose can help put other people's opinions into perspective.
Not everyone has to understand where you're going.
They're not the ones who have to get you there.
Eventually, Kate may leave this job.
She'll finish her education.
She'll have new opportunities.
She'll meet new coworkers.
She'll walk into a completely different environment.
But I asked her something I hope she remembers:
You can find another job somewhere else—but are you willing to find yourself?
Hottest Moms, Are You a People Pleaser?
Do you spend too much time worrying about whether people like you?
Do you say yes when you desperately want to say no?
Does someone's opinion of you change the way you feel about yourself?
Maybe it's time to ask:
Why?
And instead of judging whatever answer you discover, explore it.
If you've struggled with people-pleasing and have learned how to manage it, tell us about it in the comments.
Your experience might help another mom who's struggling with the same thing today.
And when you no longer need everyone else's approval to determine your worth, you can finally spend more time appreciating the person you've been trying so hard to get everyone else to appreciate.
Because working through some of that junk from your past builds Confidence.
Choosing to respond differently and continuing forward when change gets uncomfortable builds Resilience.
And never forget...
You're already Beautiful.
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